"Yeah, I thought I broke the all-time Heinz rushing record, so I was just trying to take a moment to myself."
Hilarious, but barely a half-truth.
Ben Roethlisberger wasn't trying too hard, though, when trying to explain what compelled him to leave Heinz Field's playing surface in mid-contest for a couple minutes, to trot down a set of steps behind the Steelers' sideline, then seemingly collect himself while sitting on another set of steps in the team's tunnel:
What might've been on his mind?
Well, the "Heinz rushing record" he referenced while failing to suppress a small smile consisted of two quarterback sneaks he'd just ... um, survived, with the second of those actually achieving the single-yard objective:
It'd prove to be the offensive highlight of a 19-13 takedown of the Titans on this wintry Sunday afternoon, one that'd raise the Steelers' record to 7-6-1 and, somehow, some way, sustain a very real contention within the AFC North and even the overall conference.
But it'd also prove to be ... the offensive highlight. As in, there were no others:
• 4 takeaways = 4 field goals
• 169 total yards
• 35 of those on the ground
• 12 first downs
• 1 of 4 in the red zone
The lone success in that last category was, of course, Ben's above plunge. First-and-goal at the 1 was a handoff to Najee Harris that went nowhere. Second-and-goal was Ben going nowhere. Third-and-goal was Ben again calling his own number, ultimately knifing through.
Pretty painful that it's come to that, huh?
Pretty painful, apparently, for the ball-carrier, too.
"The two sneaks?" Ben came back when I asked how he felt emerging from that pile, having needed three teammates -- Chuks Okorafor, Derek Watt and Zach Gentry -- to help him up. "It's been a while. They didn't feel real good. My neck's going to be a little sore for sure. But hey, glad we could get in on the second one. Any way we can help the team."
Maybe the only way these days.
See, if I had to speculate, Ben sought that momentary refuge to engage in a semi-silent self-exam. To make sure he's OK. No buzzing or birds tweeting. Nothing amiss with the neck issue he'd mention to me.
But if I wanted to set aside realism and have fun with it, I'd love to imagine that Ben instead was wondering to himself how in hell he'll survive this sickly supporting cast on offense over the final month of his career.
No, really. Not to take away from T.J. Watt's latest monster-piece, Minkah Fitzpatrick's 14 tackles, Joe Schobert's interception, the forced fumbles by Cam Sutton, Arthur Maulet and Derek Tuszka, and all else that went into the four takeaways that Mike Tomlin correctly called "the catalyst" for this victory.
Oh, and this, too:
JOE SARGENT / GETTY
Joe Haden tackles the Titans' Nick Westbrook-Ikhine short of a first down in the final minute Sunday at Heinz Field.
A turnover on downs is just like a turnover, and that's the tackle of the year by Joe Haden right there. Maybe one of the finest anywhere in the NFL in 2021, considering the circumstance.
But what's it mean when the offense is this awful?
More pertinent, what'll it mean next Sunday in Kansas City, where it'll take so much more than a solitary touchdown to outscore Patrick Mahomes, Travis Kelce and the Chiefs?
Or the Browns and Ravens after that?
Sorry to be that guy, but this outcome felt like a stay of execution more than something worth celebrating, at least in this specific context. Because there's no solution in sight for any of what's been all wrong all along.
In order:
1. THE LINE STINKS
Everything starts here. Or, better put, it ends here.
Harris rushed the ball 12 times for 18 yards. Try to process that. Take out a 7-yarder, and it's the equivalent of falling forward from behind the line of scrimmage on the other 11 carries. That's borderline beyond belief, and doubly so when his first-round pedigree's weighed.
But that falls mostly on the line.
They're being blown off the ball, they're missing assignments, they're misreading potential adjustments, and the general chaos they create serves to spark further chaos, as witnessed in this hide-the-women-and-children sequence in the third quarter:
My God, the humanity.
On that entire screen, there might be one or two blocks actually being executed. It's embarrassing to the extreme.
So's the montage below of Ben being beaten up, including all three of Tennessee's sacks and several other shots:
The last of those is a cheap shot by the Titans' Naquan Jones. It's a running play and, once Ben hands off to Harris, he's not fair game. Should've been a flag.
"It was just a run play," Ben would say. "I didn't try and carry out a fake. I just stood there. The guy hit me square in my chest. It wasn't like I was trying to act like I had the ball or anything. I was just standing there. And the ref told me once the ball is handed off he looks to the front to the play side. And I asked him about, 'What about the other ref that we have standing back there?' He said he was looking at the backside. And he said he'll have to look at it. And that was the explanation I got."
Not good enough, obviously. But neither was the blocking, in general, for Jones to burst through like that. And not to excuse bad officiating, but if the stripes are seeing the same sight again and again and again, it begins to blur.
Did I forget the penalties?
Two more false starts, by Okorafor and Trai Turner, cost 10 more yards.
"I thought our struggles, particularly in the first half, were on possession downs," Tomlin would say. "But that struggle was teed up by penalties, pre-snap penalties, false starts and so forth."
So why do those keep happening?
"Because we've got issues."
What'll he do to fix those issues?
"We come to work tomorrow."
OK.
Here's the thing: There's no fix for this. There just isn't. Not anymore.
These bad football players aren't about to become good ones. This bad positional coach, Adrian Klemm, isn't about to become a good one. And the indescribably bad decision made jointly last summer by Tomlin and Kevin Colbert to assemble this group could only be undone with a souped-up DeLorean.
2. THE COORDINATOR STINKS
Not to speak lightly of anyone's livelihood, but Matt Canada's got to be fired.
Like, three or four weeks ago.
When Randy Fichtner was coordinator, I used to write that I'd never seen a lack of imagination, a lack of rhythm quite like what his offenses showed. But Fichtner now looks like Bill Walsh by comparison.
The Steelers' first-half offensive outputs in points over the past four games:
• vs. Bengals: 3
• vs. Ravens: 3
• vs. Vikings: 0
• vs. Titans: 3
When, exactly, does this team's game-planning take place? Is all of it at halftime, or is there any Monday through Friday?
Look, we can debate all day who calls which play when something goes bust, but the cold fact is that the following Xs and Os were, at the very least, presented as pre-snap options to the quarterback:
That's one of the four -- count 'em, one, two, three, four -- takeaways that resulted in nothing more a Chris Boswell field goal.
"Extremely frustrating," Ben called that. "We felt like there were opportunities and points that were left out there."
Ben wasn't awesome in this area himself, but that play above -- third-and-7 at the 10 -- absolutely has James Washington as the primary target on the primary route. Which is both criminally insane and all too common with this coordinator.
Diontae Johnson finished this game with a measly five targets, all of which resulted in catches, for 38 yards, plus a long pass interference drawn and a 10-yard run.
Wouldn't want him involved there.
Pat Freiermuth was still available at this stage, well before he'd get concussed later. He'd be targeted four times, all of which resulted in catches, for 37 yards.
Wouldn't want to present a big target like that somewhere over the middle.
Sure, Ben makes a dubious decision to try for Washington, especially once two and then three Titans converge around him. But that route can't be atop the tree. It just can't. The scheme itself needs to come with rock-solid assurances of the quarterback choosing from his best options.
But wait, it gets so much worse:
Third-and-4 fade to Ray-Ray McCloud?
Oh, my, it's a third-and-4 fade to the NFL's smallest receiver!
As Ben would confirm, there were two receiving options on this play: McCloud and Johnson. (The third, Chase Claypool, runs a decoy route aimed at pulling a defender away from McCloud.)
Here again, McCloud is the primary target on the primary route.
Which is a fade.
Against a safety, Amani Hooker, who's got two inches on him.
I swear, Larry David couldn't script this stuff.
Ben acknowledged his role in this, saying, "Yeah, we jumped the ball quick with an RPO. They had too many guys in the box. So you kind of have to pick a throw."
RPO is a run-pass option. The quarterback looks over the scene at the line and decides one or the other. But from there, the menu's set by the coordinator. It's not drawn in the figurative sand.
So, why McCloud?
"Ray-Ray had press, and he's a quick, little jittery bug-type receiver that you expect can win," Ben replied. "Gave him a chance there. He kind of got walled off. I was expecting or hoping for a flag. But you go there because it's either him or Diontae on the other side because Chase was in the game coming across. Those are your two options. I wanted to give him a chance to make a play."
If only reporters didn't have to wait until Thursday of the following to question the Steelers' coordinators.
McCloud shouldn't have been on the field, much less assigned a signature role in that RPO.
Here, too, there's no fix. There just isn't. Not this late in the season. Tomlin's a defensive coach, so he couldn't take over playcalling. Mike Sullivan, the quarterbacks coach, hasn't done it at this level. Asking Ben to do it ... that's at least something inasmuch as there could be more no-huddle, but these trash plays can't be torn from the book between Weeks 15 and 16.
This was another lazy, inward hire by Tomlin and Colbert, by the way. It's a job that commands $5 million or more with some franchises, and here it's a matter of strolling down the hall and asking so-and-so if he's cool with being promoted.
Another month of Canada, and he can go back to being a mediocre coordinator at a mid-major college somewhere.
3. PLAYMAKERS DON'T MAKE PLAYS
Johnson's a dynamic weapon. He'll make something from nothing. He'll beat a defender one-on-one. He'll go above and beyond. The only thing holding Johnson back from contributing that much more is Canada's playbook.
After him?
Freiermuth, maybe? Sometimes?
Anyone else?
I feel at times that the line takes too much of the heat for this offense, even if any and all heat's deserved. Because I also see Claypool dropping two passes on what someone else might've seen as a potential redemption week. I see Washington, rotating now with Claypool because of Claypool's inconsistency, doing nothing with the opportunity he'd been demanding a few months ago. And I see Harris ...
Look, I know it's uncool to criticize the kid. It's also unmistakably difficult. For one, it's impossible not to love him. For another, no one's hurt more by this line than Harris, and he's put forth everything he's got to overcome it. It's been admirable.
What it hasn't been is productive.
Get this: Of those 12 carries on this day, nine came against a standard, non-stacked Tennessee box. And on those nine carries, he'd amass 10 total yards.
A Nashville reporter asked Mike Vrabel, Tennessee's coach, if the Titans had focused on taking away Harris.
"No," he replied flatly. "We knew that they'd probably ... I mean, we didn't think they'd run the ball on us."
Oh.
"All their runs were jet sweeps, razzle-dazzles on the outside."
The few effective ones, he meant.
That's how opponents view this offense now: The running game's so lousy it isn't worth taking away. It'll take itself away. And that leaves the remaining focus -- all of it -- on taking away Ben.
To repeat, Ben hasn't always been awesome himself. The spectacular second half in Minneapolis, that's the outlier. This game, in which he'd wind up 16 of 25 for 148 yards, a few drops, sparse support and a bunch of bumps and bruises, that's more the norm. So expecting him to ascend to what he showed against the Vikings, that's almost as unreasonable as the other hopeless scenarios I've posed here.
Answers, anyone?
Hello?
Hey, wasn't T.J. a tight end at Wisconsin?
JOE SARGENT / GETTY
A fan dressed as Santa Claus waves a Terrible Towel, Sunday at Heinz Field.
THE ESSENTIALS
• Boxscore
• Live file
• Scoreboard
• Schedule
• Standings
• Statistics
THE INJURIES
• Pat Freiermuth, tight end, was hit in the head in the third quarter, down for a brief spell, then taken to the locker room for concussion protocol, then rule out early in the fourth
• Chris Wormley, defensive end, injured his groin in the third quarter and didn't return
• T.J. Watt, outside linebacker, returned to the lineup after reinjuring his groin in Minneapolis
• Alex Highsmith, outside linebacker, returned after injuring his knee in Minneapolis
• Joe Haden, cornerback, returned after missing a month to a sprained mid-foot
• Robert Spillane, inside linebacker, returned after missing two games with a knee injury
• Kevin Rader, tight end, was inactive with a hip injury
• Buddy Johnson, inside linebacker, was inactive with a foot injury
• Isaiah Buggs, defensive end, was inactive with an ankle injury
THE AFC NORTH
• Baltimore
• Cincinnati
• Cleveland
THE SCHEDULE
Next: Mahomes, Chiefs, Arrowhead, all that ...
THE MULTIMEDIA
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THE CONTENT
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